When Gandalf Doesn't Like You
by CrystalFNfire
Summary: Gandalf is fed up and done with Mary Sues falling into Middle Earth all over the place. So, he decides to give one a taste of her own medicine.


**Author's Note: This has been posted before. I have just added a few changes and corrections here and there. Please review!

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When Gandalf Doesn't Like You...

Out of the sky, she fell: beautiful, ethereal, and almost intangible.

Hair as dark as a night without stars and eyes so deep, they could have been the very children of the great sea, she had the look of an angel. She blinked, sooty eyelashes sweeping her milk white cheeks, closing those lovely blue eyes for just a second.

Falling, she was as graceful as a swan, arms splayed out, looking almost as if she could fly.

Gandalf watched the girl, rolling his eyes. "Oh, Valar help me," he grumbled. "Not _another_ one!"

Watching the unnaturally beautiful and otherwise annoying young maiden, he felt a rushing urge of evil wash over him, and he grinned. Looking around, he saw the soft pile of leaves that the girl was going to fall onto, as they always did, as for some reason, they all had the luck to never get bruised or scratched while falling through dimensions/time/space.

Rocking on the balls of his feet, he put his staff behind him innocently, whistling, as the Three Hunters looked, amazed at the wide stretch of land between them and the Golden Halls of Meduseld.

A loud _thump_ and then a sickening crack could be heard.

"Ow!" a healthy loud voice called out.

Gandalf sighed. Was it evil of him to wish that she had not been able to call out?

Well, perhaps that just meant more fun for him.

As the three others turned around in disbelief, he stepped over as well, feigning curiosity.

He could tell that Legolas was struck dumb by the girl's beauty.

He sighed.

Cursing his elephant-like memory, he realized that this was exactly the three hundred seventy six million, four hundred twenty three thousand, six hundred and fifty second girl who had fallen into Middle-Earth because of their undying love for the damn elf.

How many times had he had to erase the Fellowship's memories so that they could carry on the damn quest in peace?

Then, just as he thought he could get on with the actual journey without any outside help, one of these stupid girls, or Mary-Sues, as he had learned they were called, would pop out of the sky because one of the Valar took pity on their estrogen-high, weepy, Legolas/Aragorn/Pippin/Frodo-loving heart and sent them to Middle-Earth, strangely beautiful with sudden magical powers and a painfully dark past that no one could accept, except them because they were so strong-willed.

_Goodness_.

No wonder he hated them so.

And of course, every single time that these girls came, the Valar gifted them with Westron so that they could communicate with the members of the Fellowship, gave each of them their own story, no matter how badly written or cheesy, and posted them, as they went through Middle-Earth, on something that was called a _web page_.

Gandalf had always scratched his head and wondered how anyone could read them without hurling his or her stomach's contents until it was empty. He then concluded that all of these readers must have been complete idiots or just as estrogen-high, weepy, and Legolas/Aragorn/Pippin/Frodo-loving as those girls that fell into Middle-Earth. They just weren't as beautiful, skinny, or had as dark of a past as they did.

"Who are you?" Aragorn asked, and Gandalf would have laughed at the bewildered expression on his face if this had not been the three hundred seventy six million, four hundred twenty three thousand, six hundred and fifty second time he'd seen it on the Ranger. He was almost used to it!

"Where… where am I?" the girl asked in a throaty,lulling voice that would have had any man crawling after her. But of course, there was a hint of sorrow that was just enough to make many wary.

Gandalf knew that he was being bitter, but could he help it?

Of the three hundred seventy six million, four hundred twenty three thousand, six hundred and fifty two girls that had fallen into Middle-Earth, exactly how many had come because they were estrogen-high and weepy for him?

NONE!

They didn't want _old_ men. _But_, it was quite all right for them to consort with an 83-year-old like Aragorn, or even a 2,931 year-old like Legolas. That was fine.

But add a few thousand years and it was _lechery _on his part.

Well, this one would have to pay.

"Rohan," Gimli answered gruffly. "Now who are you?"

Tip-toeing outside of the half circle that the four of them had formed around the nameless Sue, Gandalf whispered a line in an ancient forgotten tongue. The girl, having super-sensitive hearing, even better than an elf's, of course, snapped her head towards him.

But he was quicker than her.

Already, he had turned away, whistling "The Road Goes Ever On."

She turned away, uneasily. "My name is…" Suddenly, she gasped in a very un-Sue-like way. She felt her abdomen tighten. A strange force was pushing down on her bowels and her rear felt as if it was going to explode.

"Oh… oh God!" she cried, her eyes widening.

"Ohohgod?" Legolas raised an eyebrow, awakening from the trance she had put on him with her beauty. "What a strange name."

"I… Ineedtogotothebathroom!" she wailed, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"What?" Gimli asked, still confused. He looked up, thinking that perhaps his height was blocking him from something important. "Oh, Legolas. She was correcting you. Perhaps Ohohgod means something bad in her language. Her real name is Ineedtogotothebathroom."

"Tell me you have a toilet here!" the nameless Sue cried again, sweat beginning to form on her perfectly shaped forehead. Her blue eyes had begun to melt with tears. "I need to go _really_ _BAD!_"

As the other three exchanged questions between them to figure out what exactly a toilet was and what the strange girl had meant by needing to "go _really BAD_," Gandalf admired his handy work.

"Please, please!" Aragorn put an arm on the frantic girl's shoulder. "Ineedtogotothebathhouse… I mean… Ineedtogototheshatroom… no… I… uh… May I call you Inee?" Without letting her answer, he soothed, "Inee, please calm yourself. Where are you from? How did you get here?"

The girl must have been truly strong, for though Gandalf could see she was in great agony, she managed, "I'm from…" but the spell he cast had taken over again. "I'vegottheruns! Please! Toilet? Outhouse?" Then, she must have been really desperate, because she whimpered, "Bucket?"

As Legolas and Aragorn tried to sort her out, Gimli gave Gandalf a look. "What a strange female. An Ineedtogotothebathroom from Ivegottheruns. Quite a mouthful, don't you think?"

Gandalf felt that he had tortured the poor girl enough.

Then he remembered all the others that had come through and had made him want to tear his beard out. And then, he remembered that he actually had. He had stormed into the halls of Manwe, and only after much persuasion had he gotten it back. Still, as he fingered the thick strands, he knew there was something still wrong with it.

Snarling, he lifted the curse, but not without a last memento.

The girl, who was at the edge of weeping and crying, suddenly relaxed, as if a great force had lifted from her shoulders.

"Are… are you alright?" Legolas asked again.

"Yes… yes… I'm…" but she had not finished her sentence when something that sounded like a fog horn erupted from her rear end.

Shocked and appalled, Aragon and Legolas jumped away from her, and she sank onto her knees, new tears spilling from her cheeks.

"I… I WANNA GO HOME!" she cried.

Then, time stopped, freezing everything so still that it was eerie to move. But Gandalf had experienced this so many times, he already knew what was happening. He smiled in victory, as a bright light came down from the heavens.

"Ha!" Gandalf smiled in triumph at the Valar. "Take her back and post _her _story! See if any more will come after _her!_"

**The End.

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I have another idea for Harry Stus in Middle-Earth that will be called _When Shelob Doesn't Like You..._**

However, I don't have much time and to write at the moment, so look for it in the future!


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